I’ve been having panic attacks. Before, they were infrequent and quick to pass. In the past, they were just a punch to the chest, a minute or two injected with a flurry of emotions, but easily manageable and quick to subside.

Not lately. These attacks have become more frequent and more intense; a constricting so tight that I can’t breathe. My chest literally hurts and feels like it’s in the midst of imploding. A pain that makes me double over and sometimes become queazy. An uncomfortable flood of emotions and adrenaline that comes on hard and fast. They don’t seem to have a pattern in occurring either, but their presence has become too frequent to ignore.

The most obvious answer is that I’m probably going through another round of depression. Ugh, just that phrase “another round” feels so glib, but it’s the truth. The thing I never really learned about depression until this go around is that, for me anyway, it’s a cyclical event. This is just part of my existence and who I am.

Once I realized that I started to spiral even more. This. Is. A. Cycle.

Yes, you will eventually work through this and find a point where you feel some form of “even”; an existence that isn’t crippled by an overwhelming melancholy. But at some point things are going to get low again. The amount of time for each phase is never definitive or even, but it is a cycle. A cycle that can’t be broken.

This wasn’t the most pleasant of revelations. To be perfectly honest, it was a realization peppered with a mix of emotions. I felt relief knowing that I’d eventually get past this, but it’s just so disheartening to realize that I’m just going to end up back here.

It all sounds rather bleak and full of self pity, and I guess it is, but I’ve also realized that I need a way to work through this. Maybe documenting things will help me understand things a little more. If I turn the internal dialogs I have in my head into a fully articulated concept it’ll help relieve some of this tightness in my chest and clear my mind.

Or maybe I’m just screaming into a vacuum. Who knows.