Writer’s Note: Conscious stream of thought writing. No topic, just what’s on my mind.
A moment of panic strikes. I sit in my study lost in thought, and then a flood of emotions hit; “What have you done?”.
What have I done?
Oh, right. I left my partner and relocated to a city over 3000 miles away from my previous home.
Wow.
Yeah, I guess that’s cause for panic, but I did that almost 3 months ago and I’ve been in the process of establishing roots here. So why panic now?
Quickly realizing my mind wasn’t prepared for this rational way of thinking, it defaults to you. Straying back to things I’ve told myself I shouldn’t think anymore; that it’s just not feasible, not viable, and not worth entertaining. But lately, those feelings have somehow started to surface again. I’m not sure when or what set them in motion again, but here I am, a returning visitor, to heartache.
And then I start feeling guilty; guilty for thinking these things, and having these feelings. I shouldn’t have them!
I give myself a few beats to breathe.
Then I rationalize my emotions and try to tell myself that it’s impossible to separate a notion from a feeling.
My mind begins to wander again.
I stumble through bursts of my day that made me smile while I was in the midst of another touch of melancholy. My mind strays to the moment he, someone new, made me laugh.
And I ride that high for all it’s worth, and I try my best to hold onto the feeling, the rush, this gives me. To keep it going further, I start thinking about some of the other interactions we’ve had, and details about him. Him. With his dark hair, the way his eyes hold firm, and how much I like hearing his laugh. Oh, how much I try to make him laugh!
And then when the high from that begins to subside, I start thinking about you again.
I think about your laugh, your real laugh; the one only a few people get to hear. The real laugh when you’re watching your favorite movie or when you see something that sends you into a giggle fit. And then I think about how special it is that I know that about you.
But then that thought brings me back down, back to heartache. I need to stop entertaining these thoughts because they’ll only lead to heartache.
Reaching deep, I try to change focus and think about something else. My mind makes a feeble attempt at drawing negative points about you, but it just feels superficial and a waste of energy.
I try to force a different thought; willing all the thoughts, any thoughts at all, that I can surface, but I come up short. Like trying to hold water in my hands, other thoughts run through too quickly to grasp and hold.
I give myself another few breaths.
Resisting defeat, I once again remind myself this is silly and not worth thinking about. I accept it. I have to because I have no other choice.
I miss that laugh.
Swear-wolves 