I have been spending a lot of time, a lot of mental bandwidth, and a lot of emotional spiraling on old feelings. I can’t do this anymore, as it does not benefit me, but rather, diminish or counter all the work I’ve been doing to find me.

You’re a good friend, you’re a good soul, but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t ride this rollercoaster of emotions because it always leads to anxiety I do not need. I even asked myself, is this weird feedback loop of anxiety something I actually like? Do I actually get some kind of pleasure in this rush, this tug and pull at my heartstrings? Maybe I do, and if that’s what it is, then I need to be okay with it.

Can I be okay with it? At this point in my life, after all this change, all this defeat, all this new momentum I’m building for myself, what is it that I’m trying to get out of this?

I don’t have the answers to any of it, but I do know that what is happening now is not sustainable for me. It feels like a mental illness, a self-inflicted wound I keep picking at, keep using to hurt myself intentionally. I need to stop, or at least realize that at this moment in my life, this uncomfortable feeling, this stupid fucking infatuation, is hindering me.

I’ve missed out on things, I’ve spent countless hours hoping for a situation to surface, only to be let down again and again by you. It’s not good and it definitely isn’t something I want to keep perpetuating, or feeding.

No, it’s time to start starving the issues that aren’t serving me and start feeding into the things that are actually making me evolve and become better.

I know it’s not as easy as a flip of a switch, but distance, time, and new experiences will help me focus on moving forward. I can either stay on the dock waiting for a ship that may never come, or I could double down and continue on this journey.

But at the same time, I also know that I’m still going to have these lyrics appear in the back of my mind every time we interact. It’ll get easier with time

But until then, I’ll be with you through the dark
Yes, until then, I’ll be with you through the dark

And who else can say that about you, baby?
Who else can say that about you, now?
And who else can take all your blood and your curses
Nobody I’ve seen you hanging around

“Biloxi Parish”
The Gaslight Anthem