I would be lying if I said I was too busy to write. I have written a few things, a few wild musings and feeble attempts at poetry, but they feel too raw, too embarrassing to share. Even in this capacity, where it feels anonymity is in my favor, but I’m still not willing to share. The subject and the topic are too visceral in my heart and mind that it all feels like a smattering of random gibberish, childish hopes, and ridiculous thought processes that I am genuinely ashamed of entertaining these thoughts and feelings. Like I know I shouldn’t be spending even a moment’s amount of time on such far-off and unattainable longings so I try to shove them into the back of my mind; in a locked box tucked away in a wardrobe. But eventually I find and open that box, and get sucked in.

The words have come and gone just like water. I try to ride the wave as best I can, and I think I’m doing a fair job of it, but sometimes I’m overtaken by a rogue wave.

I’ve intentionally kept myself from this outlet in fear and concern that I might continue what I started lamenting about. I fell into a few patterns that were great temporary distractions, but in the end, as the year begins to wind down and social obligations begin to fade, I need to give myself a few moments pause, a bit of respite. Respite from all the change, a chance to catch my breath, and an opportunity to lay out all of my cards to see what’s truly in hand.

I haven’t had that opportunity, not really. I haven’t allowed myself that opportunity; the simple truth is that I’ve been throwing myself into everything at full-speed. I don’t have to do that anymore; I have time and I have space to really look at what’s in my deck and what I’d like to add/take away from it. Formulate a personal plan, move into that final stage of shedding an old existence.

I think the hardest thing is admitting I’ve been putting this off and getting caught up in short-term situations to avoid this kind of introspection. I’ve been doing the thing I’ve been working to avoid; compartmentalizing a major issue because I’m worried about the pain it’ll cause, so I put it off. Instead what I’m doing by procrastinating is extending that pain, adding additional stress to the mix, and almost deceiving myself into thinking everything is fine. I’m just not giving myself the proper space to really process some things and I worry if I don’t eventually allow those thoughts to be given the proper space and time they need that emotion will spill into other vectors.

I need to stop intentionally getting distracted, and I need to stop pretending I don’t have any need for short-term and long-term planning. I also need to stop thinking about situations I’m manifesting in my own head based on longing.

Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me