Earlier in the evening, I got a message from a friend asking me when I realized my marriage was ending. To say I was easily able to succinctly answer instantly would be a lie. I had to take some time to think the question over, and then I was flooded with these emotions that I’ve been contending with recently. A mixture of anger, frustration, disappointment, a feeling of loss, and regret all have been the newest phase of this journey. I am officially in the resentment phase.

And then I also realized there were other feelings, too. Guilt that I don’t miss him at all, relief that I’m no longer in this situation, and a series of other emotions that I’m still trying to sort and process because they’re just too much.

I’ve been feeling these feelings all too frequently as of late and I’m upset about the energy drain it’s causing. I’m frustrated I’m not able to create; I feel creatively blocked in all ways right now. When I get into a space to try and produce something (some writing, an image, art, or media) I just sit and stare, willing anything to come to surface. Pleading that inspiration or motivation surfaces to help me create. Even now, this feels like a struggle, and I’m growing annoyed with myself.

Why is it so hard for me to create or articulate these emotions that are overwhelming me? Why can’t I channel the experiences I’ve lived into something more than just a personal anecdote? The words, the pictures, the work just aren’t coming to fruition right now and I just wish for it to resume.

I miss the days where I was so overwhelmed with creativity that I couldn’t produce fast enough.

Whatever went away, I’ll get it over now.

Start a War

Oh, and if you’re curious how I responded to my friend’s question, I’ll post a summary of it below.

There were so many signs and reasons that lead me to it, honestly. The biggest was when I started feeling like things I’d do for him weren’t a labor of love anymore, but work, like it was a chore.

The second biggest was when I realized he wasn’t holding me down, he was holding me back.