I often forget that not everyone was afforded the ability to have a clean break. Where the detachment from another person was already in progress well before the actual concept of separation was initiated.

I’ve been reminded of this much more frequently lately and it has had me wondering if it’s even worth trying for a second or third time. Our hearts can only take so much, and yet we often find ourselves re-enlisting in the same battles. The landscape and the players are all different, but the story is typically the same. Our hearts are in the right place at first, with a concept that we’re smarter now, we’re weather-worn and can recognize when the flags start waving. But the reality is that the story repeats itself in the same way over and over again for so many of us. Once the shiny veneer begins to fade and when the sentiment shifts from “trying to impress” to “I’m going to unapologetically be myself” the fight begins. For the battle hardened, this is just wave one of many; more a test of fortitude and stamina for some than a trial of compatibility.

If you so happen to survive and come to an understanding of the rules of engagement, the next series of battles are lying in wait, either ready to erupt in a fury of fire fighting, or a small but deadly placed explosive.

I know it’s possible that in some relationships the battles begin to subside and become less frequent with work and time. How that happens, I don’t know, it’s not something I’ve experienced. What I have experienced is exhaustion and complacency; a feeling of “this is as good as it’s going to get” or “the devil you know” when it comes to the thought of starting over. At some point just sitting with those feelings drove me mad enough to pull myself from active duty and work on rehabilitation.

I started briefly dating again and came to a realization I just don’t want to do it. I’m not interested in learning someone new or having to develop new coping mechanisms for someone else’s trauma. I don’t want to endanger all the progress I’ve made on recovery and my self worth. And most of all, I don’t want what started off as acts of affection and care to turn into something that feels like work; acts of kindness turned to acts of obligation.

I say all this and then the universe decides to test me. I don’t think it was intentional, or maybe it was, but I can’t help but laugh at the timing and circumstance.

I’ve made short-term friends pretty frequently at events, shows, and the like, but their lifespan has never extended past the situation of meeting. Never much outside of social media posts or the occasional wave at other events. The universal understanding in these situations is based on the fact that A) we are there sharing a common bond, B) we have to exist in a common space so we should get along, and C) our friendship is over once the event is done.

These are the common rules of engagement for short term friendships; a basic and shared understanding.

But not this time.

“Here lies the destiny of 2 hurt souls, Afraid to be cured again.”

“Montauk”

I would come to realize we were both at this show for similar reasons; a cathartic experience to release some of the raw emotion we’d been experiencing from our breakups. His was much more recent and much more brutal; a betrayal I’ve felt before but not on that scale. Me, I was just going through the anger and resentful stage of my breakup and all I really wanted to do was sing some angry breakup songs, have a few drinks, and a good time.

This is still really new, I mean, really, really new. But I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who has so many shared interests and curiosities as I do and it really intrigues me. I find myself trying to temper my expectations, trying to frame it as just friends, but my mind continues to wander into places I don’t want and it starts to think of scenarios I know won’t happen.

Am I in a situation once again where I’m falling for someone who is well outside of my access? I hate this and I hate the ambiguity, but I really enjoy the process of meeting and learning another person. Someone who I share a lot of common threads with; not exactly the same but pretty dang close. Our meeting is a setup of idilic stories to come; a story that could potentially be what we both need, but is the timing really right? Or is this a short term friendship that will eventually expire way too soon and leave us wondering what could have been? Will we have to part ways or, just be friends? Will I be able to maintain a platonic friendship with someone who just feels right, but isn’t right right now? Can I survive that initial attack of being pinned into the friend zone, or will I forever be hurting myself each time we hang out because the pangs of wanting to be something more are too great?

Ultimately, I just don’t want to fuck this one up. I’m glad I’m cognizant of it this time; maybe seeing the battlefield from this vantage point is enough to keep me from feeling like I’m re-enlisting in a fight in futility. I’m hopeful, but I’m also very skeptical.