Over a month ago I started an entry I never completed. I’m going to post it here because I feel like it’s an interesting juxtaposition to where I’m at now.

I’m just so crazy, stupid happy!

I met a guy. A good, fun, interesting, cool ass guy. One that makes me laugh and makes me think. One that has introduced me to some cool things in this short time since our meeting. 

This feels like I’m just picking up around adolescence; like instead of spending over a decade in a marriage I somehow just broke up with someone, mourned that breakup period in a year, and then just met some new kid and hit it off. 

I find myself goofy smiling when I think of him. A goofy smile. I haven’t had one of those in so long and I didn’t think it was possible. 

But he does that to me. 

And now, here I am wondering if things were just a bunch of smoke, a notion that had promise and potential, or just a passing fad.

It’s so stupid. I find myself spiraling recently over this. I don’t know what happened, other than he left on a trip for a few weeks, we maintained contact, and upon his return I haven’t heard from him. It’s been almost a week.

My rational mind is thinking that things are just super hectic; coming back from time away always has its chaotic elements and immediate needs. Another portion of my mind is like, “Why don’t you just message him?”, and instead of answering that question I keep creating more elaborate scenarios in my head about what is causing the radio silence. The most obvious is that he’s busy, or he’s lost interest.

The latter is what scares me. Our last interaction in messages was so fun and full of promises; we made a commitment to find time to hang out once he’s back and settled. That seems like a reasonable action and thing to do, but the silence is deafening.

We have only been on a few outings together, but each time I feel like our connection was strengthened and that the things that brought us together are great jump off points for continuing on and building on something.

And yet, I still have so many questions, so many concerns, and a lot of anxiety.

A LOT OF ANXIETY.

I’m going to try and reach out today to check in. I’m just going nuts on this side of things and I don’t want to sit and wait on arbitrary timers when all I really want is either a confirmation of interest or a confirmation that it has been lost.

I’m just so full of ambivalence that I’m going nuts. I don’t know what to do next and in the weirdest of ways, even though I want answers I am worried about the answers I’m going to get.

It’s a spiral. I’m on the cusp of an anxiety attack.

If this is sending me into a tailspin, when I felt like a week ago the interest was still there and the connections were still alive, am I really ready for anything more complex?

Or is it the vagueness that’s killing me?

Selfishly, I’m not over him. I want some interactions and I want more cuteness. I know it’s super selfish, but I’m ready for that and I was really hoping we could continue the conversation when he came back.

I gotta feel you in my bones again
I’m all over you
I’m not over you
I wanna taste you one more time again
I’m all over you
I’m not over you

The Spill Canvas – All Over You

Maybe we can and I’m overthinking things. I don’t know. I’m just tired of these emotions overwhelming me, paralyzing me, distracting me.

I’m just so tired and heartbroken.

Will that feeling ever ebb?

Update
2 hours later and I have an update. Reached out, had a chat about things, and confirmed two future outings together. One in about two weeks and another way well into the future.

I’d say that’s a neutral sign. Better than a negative sign, but it’s also a cue to me to take a step back, stop getting hung up on this, and try to move on. If things manifest like I think they could potentially do, I’d prefer it be a slow build up.

But again, I need to tell myself to take a step back and move on. I can’t get blood from a stone, I can’t make someone have feelings for me, and I can’t control what someone else does. All I can do is focus on me, my reaction to things, and to learn from these experiences.

Other things to note, just as objective observations:

• Might not be into texting much. That’s okay and explains some things.
• Shows extreme introvert signs. Needs the same amount of recovery time to the amount of “being on” time.
• Exhaustion in general seems to be a factor. It’s hard as an introvert to try and get to know someone in a positive way when they are tired. I get it.
  

I don’t know how the fuck people do this with multiple people and in shorter time frames.