Looking through my notes and random musings, I’m realizing that I haven’t actually been in the best of states. What I thought was just a short term downward trend is actually more indicative of how things have been going for the last several years. It’s only just become apparent to me as I try to navigate things in such a solo capacity that all things feel super compounded and overwhelming. 

This isn’t because of the divorce or the move. What I’m realizing is there is one common denominator here. One constant in all things that have been difficult – me. 

In some ways I’m saying I’m at fault here and in others I’m just saying that I have more input and control than I usually assume. 

I’m unintentionally throwing myself a curve ball here. Initially, this went into a completely separate tangent that even I am still baffled by and, oddly enough, proud of manifesting. But I didn’t edit myself to just go down the same path; I edited myself to really examine a big truth here: I am a common denominator. 

I mean, yeah, all things that happen to me involve me, that’s a given, but here’s the thing: I am ultimately in charge. I am the one who determines the outcome of my actions, whether it’s a knee-jerk response or a fully thought out plan. 

When it comes to how I handle a knee-jerk reaction versus a notion that I spent abundant amount of time on, I’m at a split. Sometimes I can trust my intuition and other times, I can’t decipher if it’s a gut reaction or anxiety. And sometimes, my anxiety lies to me. 

Most recently my anxiety and intuition went through an exhausting jousting match, and neither ended up being the victor because the outcome was a major swerve. I don’t know how, but at one point a flip switched and I went from confident with the situation to a series of emotions ranging from  longing, jealousy, worry, sadness, denial, and panic. A flood of emotions. And yes, it was about a man. Side tangent that’s worth noting: That was probably about the same time he started experiencing a flood of  emotions, or at least a point where he started noticing it. I don’t know how to explain it, but it was like a weird, intuitive connection with someone. I’m trying not to put too much stock into it, but that hasn’t really ever happened before.

(Other moments like that have also happened, but I’m not going to try and give those coincidences much more thought. I don’t need to spiral on this, I need to move on. This-fucking-guy I’ve only known for less than two months has me in such a fucking state, I can’t-fucking-believe it. I need to get over him. I really do.) Sorry About That. 

But other times, my intuition and anxiety lined up, but I still second guessed things. 

As someone who feels emotions on a higher level than a lot of other people, it’s hard to really convey what it’s like to exist this way. When emotions hit, they hit all at once and I feel every single one of them. Sometimes just thinking about the subject resurfaces that gut punch and debilitation that happened initially, and sometimes, it hits even harder. 

It’s exhausting being someone with this much emotion, feeling, empathy, and an obsessive nature in overthinking. How can you express what that’s like to someone more even-keeled or stoic? You can try to use analogies that play into their stronger senses, but at the end of the day, if the smell of chopped onions offends someone so much they have the option to leave the room, is that person really going to be able to understand how we can’t walk away from our mind as easily? 

And here I am again, completely derailing from the actual subject. I am the common denominator who often is way too driven by emotion, which ultimately causes me to repeat the same mistakes and run myself ragged to the point of passing out from exhaustion.

I’ve identified some of the problem, but what’s next?