(Originally written April 23, 2022)

Recently I had a day where I just didn’t want to be at home. It was the day after I had initiated the break and I just knew that if I occupied the same space as him that it wouldn’t be good for either of us. I had messaged a friend and told him I’d be at our local coffee shop. The wording of my message relayed the fact that I was in need of a friend, and despite his own plans for the day he set that aside and made time for me.

We had coffee and had a good chat about all the things that had transpired and led me to that point. it was a very welcoming reprieve and honestly, an echo of sentiment that I really needed. He’s such a good person and friend that I don’t think he’ll ever understand just how important, helpful, and wonderful he is as a human being.

Anyway, we sat there talking and sipping on more than enough caffeine to fuel a small army. We parted ways to allow him to do even more altruistic things, and I opened up my laptop and started writing.

I had gotten through a full post and into a few passages when I heard and felt the presence of another. It was a familiar voice whispering in my ear but it took me by surprise. I turned around and squee-ed! Like, literally squee-ed!

There they were, my two friends K and J, a few drinks deep into their Saturday, prepped to keep going. We didn’t expect to see each other here, but then surprise quickly morphed into celebration, and before I knew it a few more friends trickled in. Within a few minutes, my other friend who had met me here earlier had messaged to see if I was still around and he was on his way.

This unexpected reunion of so many souls took me by surprise but was exactly what I needed at that moment. We talked, drank some beer, and talked some more.

Eventually the night lead to a handful of us heading back to K and J’s place. We laughed and danced like giggling teens. We shared in our insecurities while also laughing them off and building each other up. It was a fun night and exactly what I had needed at that moment.

What I learned was that no matter how old we get we still at our core feel the same uncertainties and insecurities as those in their adolescence. That’s the one truth I hadn’t ever heard or expected as I got older; for some reason there’s this expectation that once we get past a certain age we no longer worry about how we look, feel, or even are perceived by others.

The truth is that we never get over these hangups until we allow ourselves to do so. No amount of “likes” or in person compliments resonate until we allow it. Some of us will always think of ourselves as the awkward and unlikeable fat kid at the back of the class, and the unfortunate truth is that a lot of times we put ourselves in those boxes.

Knowing this has helped me to move on, but it also brings on a whole slew of other concerns as I contemplate entering the dating pool.

The “dating pool”. What a stupid phrase but there really isn’t a better way to describe the vast and broad endeavor of trying to find a mate. It already sounds and feels exhausting; pre-date screening, actual dates, meeting friends and family, talking about plans, future goals, etc. It already feels so exhausting.

I don’t think I’m ready for any of that. Instead, I’m just going to focus on myself and work on trying to figure out who I am, who I was, and who I want to be.

Today I went to go see Kiki’s Delivery Service for a special screening. It was unexpectedly a very emotional experience for me. For one, there was a child in the audience asking questions and enjoying each surprise as it came. It just reiterated the reason why I’m moving on and why I need to do this, but the story itself also brought out something in me that I thought felt very personal. When the film was closing with Kiki’s letter back to her parents it hit me post credits – the feeling of leaving, missing home, but knowing that it needs to be done for personal growth.

I kind of feel like it was fate that led me to watching this film. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but the entire story felt so very relatable that I couldn’t help but feel emotional at the end of it.

Maybe that’s my fate – to fly