I’ve made a flurry of posts recently, but a lot of them were older entries that just needed editing.

It’s interesting looking back on a series of notes from the last year. It’s weird looking back on the past – it’s some unfortunate mix of longing, melancholy, being uncomfortable, and reminiscence.

It’s crazy just how far a year can take you. In some ways you move forward, in some ways you stay stagnant, and in some smaller chunks, you regress. At least that’s the mix of reflection that I personally have over the last year.

We’re still waiting on final legal declarations of the divorce, which has been a whole test of patience. I’ve dealt with experimenting with dating and have realized early on how much I hate it. I’m just going to be real Pingu about it and just not do it for now. But even with this declaration I find myself with a broken heart. I think that’s always going to be a constant. Unfortunately.

It’s also uplifting to see how I was able to set goals and achieve them in ways even I didn’t expect to.

I didn’t actually write about the journey it took to get from my former home to the PNW, but it was an adventure. The terrain and views were so scenic and picturesque one we left southern New Mexico. I have memories of waking up in Sante Fe and seeing the vast amount of colors across the land and sky. Utah was a wonder all its own with Moab and the Great Salt Lake. Boise was an unexpected treat, while backroads Oregon was golden, but the vibe was very off.

The two male pets were not happy with the adventure. The cat would be an entire ordeal to catch each time we stayed the night somewhere. At some point we developed a whole ritual of moving furniture and trapping him with a t-shirt of mine.

The dog just whined and had anxiety the entire way. By Boise my mom had fucking had it. She asked that I get him some CBD treats, which I did. They helped. Kind of.

I also drove that entire way, save for about an hour when my mom tried to drive but my anxiety caused by watching her fail to stay within the confines of her lane was too much.

It was an absolute test of stamina, and by the time I made it to Seattle I felt free.

Oh, how silly of me!

The next few months were a flurry of buying furniture, putting it together, buying more furniture, putting it together, rearranging things now that I have proper furniture, and dealing with utilities and a full-time job. Oh, and three animals who were not happy about their new life. Oh yeah, and some weird sickness that made my organs swell, my appetite go away, and caused me to sleep 2 days straight.

I think it was what most people would call “exhaustion”.

Once I had finally settled and my organs regained normal size, I started venturing out and seeing more of my current surroundings. A friend would come to visit, and then some relatives, and then one of the most anxiety driven winter holidays would occur.

Since that time I’ve also seen a lot of really great live music. Seattle is not starved for a music scene, and I’m enjoying the opportunity to experience it. I also started going to the ballet, take frequent walks, and have been doing yoga as much as six days a week, if I can.

Most recently, I’ve cut back on drinking. It’s a small victory, but one in a series of many that I realize now as I look back on the last year.

While I’m still hung up in some ways on things, I really am proud of myself for making a plan, executing it, and for the most part, thriving in a new city so far away from your security nets. Those nets are still there, they just aren’t physically as accessible.

That support system is the reason I’ve been able to keep going and I’m really thankful for every single one of them.