At some point this space has become more about you than it has been about me. Of course, I talk about the way you make me feel, but the fact that you are so pervasive over the last few months is not lost on me.

After some back-and-forth on the subject, which was a rollercoaster in itself, he was actually well enough to make it out. I should also back up and say that I straight up told him that I have a hard time reaching out to him, unsure of how to communicate and if it’s even welcomed. He said he doesn’t think of me as a burden at all and I’m welcome to reach out when I want to. He also apologized for being so absent. That felt good, and I felt heard.

We had some good banter going after that in text, and during the day of his surgery he and I were pretty well connected. About 30 minutes before I was about to leave to go to the venue he messaged that he’d be going, too, and I talked him into getting ADA access.

Arriving at the venue I didn’t realize how nervous I was; I was actually shaking, and it got worse when I saw him. Despite the troubles and the amount of time it had been since I had last seen him an overwhelming amount of emotions flooded me. The longing, the wanting, the feeling that it just all feels right. It was awkward at first, but I did notice every now and then him glancing my way or the way he noticed me coming back from grabbing a drink at the bar. He even mentioned a few things we talked about from our first date and that surprised me.

But then after the first band played he got some really, really, really bad news. Like, really bad news. Within a matter of moments he just wilted and went silent. He didn’t really say much, just shared his phone for us to see the message.

If I had given myself the proper amount of time to think it over, I probably would have stopped myself from doing what I did. Unfortunately for me, I just reacted. I walked right up to him and asked if I could hug him and he accepted. I embraced him and tried my best to console and comfort him. I asked if he wanted to go and he was just so in shock that he didn’t want to go.

The mainliner then began to play and he invited me to sit next to him, which I did, and then I took hold of his hands. We spent the entire set next to each other, holding each other’s hands and me trying my best to bring up silly things to help ease him a bit. Had this not been brought on by such a sad and devastating situation, it would have actually been a very pleasant thing. But it also just reminded me of why I was so invested in him in the first place; he feels like a good fit – the way we chat, the talks we have, and how he physically feels next to me. He just feels right and supporting him during this time just felt like the most natural thing.

After the show he was able to get back home, sort things out, and ended up on a plane back to SoCal to address the situation. His friend and I spent a good hour chatting as he and I unintentionally walked back to my place. It was a good chat and I was thankful for the distraction.

When I made it back to my place I noticed I had a text from him thanking me for being there for him and that he’s sorry his life is such a disaster at this time.

I then spent the next few days in a haze of sadness and mourning. I feel horrible for him, I truly do. No one person should be dealing with as many things that have befallen on him, and I can’t imagine how long it’ll take for him to recover, if ever.

And the feeling of mourning – I feel like this was a full on breakup, but not in a conventional manner. More that fate dangled what I absolutely feel and want in front of me as a tease. Like some ill-fated cosmic joke that the universe is playing on me. I’m mourning the death of something that has never been because time and circumstance have not allowed it to happen. I feel robbed, I feel frustrated, and I feel cheated out of a possibility I may never know.

Because the truth of the matter is, even if he’s attracted to me and even wants to be with me, he is not okay. He is not in an okay state and that is going to take a long time for him to get there. Which, if time is the only factor and no other variables interfere, I’d be willing to be patient, but right now there are too many disparate things going on, too many variables, too much of life on both of our ends to allow me to think or see the future on this very clearly.

I don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss here because he just feels so right, but this has been nothing but pain, anxiety, worry, insecurity, and frustration ever since he went away. And now he’s gone again and I fear this time he won’t come back at all.

Maybe I fell too fast
Maybe I pushed you away
Now you’re gone and I’m afraid
That you’re never coming back this way again