Life has definitely felt like 10,000 tons as of late. Work has been testing me in ways I hadn’t dealt with in years and I’m still hung up on someone’s dusty son. I had a thought earlier today that maybe it’s time to pack up, move on, run. Make it so I Am Disappeared.

It was a fleeting thought, but one I did entertain for a few moments. I left my life in Texas behind for a fresh start, but I do realize it was also a successful attempt at running away. I fled from a life-long history of heartache, disappointment, and what I personally felt was an environment that didn’t foster my own growth. I came here to rediscover myself, make new connections, new roots, but in a weak state I felt like this new place, this new city, a place that I felt at home even before I moved here and since, was not where I needed to be because I just want to run away from my problems.

The idea of a future where I may see him at a show with his arms wrapped around someone who isn’t me just guts me. The concept of him shirking his interest in me for another woman, or women, comes into mind frequently and drives me crazy.

The worst part of all this is that there is a rational core to me that knows he is not the ideal mate for me. He has a lot of traits very similar to my ex, and some others that give me pause. He’s an extreme introvert, an over-thinker, extremely emotional, and neurotic. He isn’t the best at communication, and doesn’t really think much outside of himself. These are all very similar traits that my ex had that ultimately played into the reason why our relationship shattered. He isn’t engaging, he is low on energy, not very out-going, and seems to get exhausted at even the thought of a swerve in the typical routine.

All of these things I am very cognizant of and then some. At one point I had a revelation that startled me to the point of wanting to scream: “This is a hybrid mix of your ex and your dad”. What the actual fuck?

A slight side tangent about my dad: He is very detached, very absent, and very grumpy about any slight inconvenience. When he met my mom, he was super skinny, drove a hatchback, and had some previous marriage baggage. His temperament was that of aloofness and frustration.

I think my body and my soul have been long done with this situation, but I can’t figure out if it’s my mind or my heart that keeps the longing going. I know this isn’t healthy, this isn’t what I deserve, but a part of me still clings to this. This part of me is tearing me apart. I’m so over the 3a wakeup calls where I spend the entire time just thinking about the situation knowing I can’t change any of it. I re-examine it, I re-evaluate it, I go through cyclical motions, and then start theorycrafting. I am so tired of this.

I need myself to understand the following:

“HE IS NOT GOING TO COME BACK TO YOU. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER”

And while I know all of this, something in my stupid brain keeps going “Oh, but maybe though” and it starts a chain of thought that leads to nowhere. I’ve tried so many different tactics, from the concept of moving on, trying to just stay chill, making cathartic playlists, to chiding myself for continuing this whole ordeal, to no avail. I always come back to the idea of him, and it isn’t even him, which is what drives me crazy. For example, I always forget what he looks like, I have this image in my mind of him, but then I see recent pictures that are definitely of him and I go “Huh, that’s not how I remember him”, even though it is actually him. Somehow my mind has even altered his appearance in a way that makes him even more attractive in my memory. Please don’t get me wrong, he is a very handsome man, but somehow what I have in my mind does not match the actual person.

It’s driving me mad, all of it. The unfortunate similarities to my ex, the conflation of expectation, the image I have in my head, and even worse, some lasting hope that says that at some point we’ll eventually be together because we just need time to heal and we’re both really busy right now.

It’s all wrong, all of it, and I need it to stop. I need for this spiral to end. I need to get some sleep. I need to stop clinging to some fucking stupid semblance of hope that should have been squashed weeks, even months ago.

I don’t know how to move on other than just packing up and moving to a new place. Setting up new roots, starting over, and trying to avoid doing this in the future, but I can’t run. I just can’t. I also can’t keep thinking about this and I just wish I could legitimately manage my emotions in a timely manner that doesn’t cost me days of sleep, break my focus at work, or cause me to space out while at red lights. I just want this burden gone.