I’m realizing that I’ve slowly been coming undone over the past few months. The decline was slow at first, with a distraction that was welcomed early on but once the distraction developed into heartache, the decline was more gradual. I held out hope that I’d be okay, that what I was dealing with was situational depression and that I’d be able to overcome it. There were good days, lots of ups, but also a lot of downs.

It isn’t an easy thing to really understand until you feel you’ve hit rock bottom, and when it comes to a few aspects of my life, I genuinely feel like I hit an all time low. I need to remind myself that I jumped into things way too quickly. I am not ready. I am too broken from my divorce to really allow myself to be someone who can fully offer myself up to another person. I was grasping at hope and ideas, while ignoring my own wellbeing and mental state.

I hit some very embarrassing lows over the last few days that I am not proud of; online sleuthing, habit tracking, people investigations, that ultimately lead to some horrible scenarios I played out in my mind that caused the downfall to be even worse. I am not proud of this behavior. In fact, I am quite ashamed of it. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who did this thing as a way to validate their own feelings or create unnecessary drama. What’s worse is that I know this isn’t me. I am not this person.

I know I’m being a bit hard on myself, too. I should cut myself some slack; I haven’t given myself to new people in this way in well over a decade and it’s scary. I’m naive, I’m new, and I’m still not ready. I haven’t developed enough confidence and security in myself which is what bleeds into how I accept another person.

I’m aware of this now. I’m actively in the process of going through therapy but I don’t know if that’s enough. I don’t know if what I need is some assistance in the form of medication or a deep mental dive with a professional who can facilitate some healing. All I know is that I just feel a lot of shame, sadness, disappointment, and embarrassment. I don’t want to be this person. I need to stick with the 6 month mandate I’ve given myself to not date. I need at least 6 months to find me, develop some more sense of self and build up my confidence. I need to keep focusing on making more friendships that are lasting and will help me develop a better sense of community here. Getting stuck in spirals that I shouldn’t even be participating in are not conducive to a healthy mental state.

I know I’ve stated this earlier in previous entries that I am not ready, but I don’t think I gave this thought enough consideration. Instead, I just kept hoping and putting a lot of the blame of another party, but really, I need to take ownership. I need to admit to myself why I am not ready, what the actual issues are, and why I go through so many of these emotions and thoughts when I should feel secure.

I just want to stop feeling like I’m cursed and can actually develop some keener senses, a better awareness of my own emotions, and open myself up to dating in a way that doesn’t send me into a downward spiral. I want to stop ruminating like I’m a teenager. Yes, I am still very inexperienced in dating, and I just got through existing in a marriage that wasn’t fulfilling, but that can’t be me forever. I want to be better.

I need time, I need patience, and I need to do some work.