After coming to terms with the fact that I needed help, really started to do some soul searching and work on trying to get myself out of the rut I was in. Things aren’t perfect, but a month later I’m feeling a bit better about things. The anxiety is still very real, but I’m working toward mitigating it before it becomes a spiral. It’s been an exercise.

Summer in the area is almost over; the final dregs of long days and warmth are slowly coming to an end. It was an interesting summer in that I spent a lot of time alone and working through some of that loneliness. It still comes in waves and I find myself still feeling like the social aspects of my life fall into “feast or famine” situations and I’m working on dealing with that. Some days would feel so lonely that I’d find myself finding excuses to sit in a crowd to help abate some of this loneliness, while other days are so packed with social events that I feel spread too thin.

I’m coming to terms with living in this new world of extremes. Change seems to be happening at a break-neck pace and sometimes it can be too much. I’m still working on dealing with it all, honestly, and some days are better than others.

One of the biggest changes that has happened is that the person I had been waxing poetic about for so long has decided to come around again. For how long, I’m not entirely sure; “I’ve grown to love [their] disappearing acts, do one more pretty please”.

While it’s lasting I’m trying to make the most of it. There is still a bit of hurt that I’m still reeling from, but what supersedes that feeling is just how right he feels to be around. I really can’t explain it or articulate the notion in a way that I feel fully encapsulates it. All I know is that my heart and my soul feel right when I’m around him, even when things are absolute garbage. Like thinking back to that night in June when he got such horrible news that we spent most of the time just embracing and holding each other’s hands. Or more recently. how excited we both were in sharing some pivotal moments that happened to both of us. I don’t know how or why, but being around him just feels like the most natural thing. Especially now that the initial introduction phase is waning and I get to see more of the real him.

I’m trying to be realistic and keep my expectations low, but another part of me is really enjoying him being more of a presence again even though the whiplash effect is still very real.

I just keep wondering when that moment will come when he will disappear again. I don’t want it to happen but it is something I’m preparing for because there’s precedence there. He’s broken in ways I won’t even try to fix and I’m still going through my own recovery and triaging of wounds sustained from the last few years.

I guess all I can do is enjoy the warm feeling while it’s here and appreciate each moment while they happen.