Swear-wolves

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately wondering how to utilize this space. I have used it in a way that has been very personal and cathartic for myself, but I don’t know how much I really value that.

I also spent the greater part of the last year working through some tough times and I focused a lot on a few specific topics and used this space as a way to channel my emotions, thoughts, and feelings about them somewhere.

But did that help me? I don’t know. Did it help anyone else? I don’t really know that either, but I do know that I’m ready for some kind of change in content.

Anyway, it’s been quiet here for a bit because I just haven’t really known how to use this. I realize a lot of what I’ve been airing here could better be channeled in a personal journal. That’s been helpful for me in processing things and moving on. Instead, I’d prefer to use this space for something else.

I think it’s time for a blank slate here and an opportunity to really tap into something cool. While the internet will have its own history, this page soon will have its own version of an archive. A place where my personal thoughts and ideas can exist in a space limited of exposure to those who really care for it.

Time is what it is.

A broken heart.

A realization I wasn’t the only one.

More bitter feelings.

Sighs of relief.

Sad comfort in the loneliness.

Extreme behaviors shrugged of with the excuse of “healing”.

Understanding that I won’t be able to ever understand.

A weird practice in conscious stream of thought, but that’s what came out when I first opened this new page. This blank digital sheet ready for anything to fill its space.

A few months ago I sat in this same spot with the sun on the cusp of setting and a soundtrack reflecting my emotions playing in the background. A few months ago I sat ruminating about possibilities after a day spent solo adventuring. Spring in Seattle screams at you; it doesn’t so much as accost you but hollers at you an invite so warm and inviting you can’t help but succumb to its calling. That day in the spring I had spent wandering through blossoming cherry trees amongst giggling families, young lovers, and serious photo shoots. I came home after a visit to a local pub and stood on the rooftop watching the world spin. I saw the sky and sun paint a beautiful picture punctuated with planes and birds. I looked to the skyline and was amazed at the sheer marvel of high-rise buildings made of steel and glass. I watched as people enjoyed a summer evening that seemed to have been blessed by a higher power.

And I thought of you.

I spent so much time thinking of you. How much I had longed for a connection I thought would resume after a bit of patience. Ebbing and flowing into my life this past spring and summer like a ghost with no set schedule.

I tell people I’m over you. In some ways I am, but in others I still long for you despite just how much you hurt me. How cold and dishonest you were with me that night. Mere hours after you had professed your love for someone else in the same clothes, in the same mood, in the same space of time.

You didn’t break me. I want to make that clear. You just put me through my paces faster than I had ever expected. You mask your dishonesty with a veil of privacy, and I can’t fault you for it, but you aren’t forth-coming.

The day I told you I was having a hard time even trying to be your friend you turned it around on me and made yourself the victim instead of even pretending to know how I feel. I spent that day in bed crying; mourning the loss of what I thought could have been. Instead, I got played, rejected, and discarded.

So this is me recovering. This is me telling myself I did not get bested, just blindsided. I got hit with a speed-run of lessons and a series of toxic behaviors that aren’t easy to spot. The previous experience was very obvious; that guy was a perfect example of someone just hoping for a reason to hit a woman. No, this guy was toxic in a way I hadn’t expected – a need to be a coddled victim with no remorse or concern for anyone else.

I’ve been strung along enough and my heart is tired.

It’s time I spend the winter writing songs about getting better, instead.

After coming to terms with the fact that I needed help, really started to do some soul searching and work on trying to get myself out of the rut I was in. Things aren’t perfect, but a month later I’m feeling a bit better about things. The anxiety is still very real, but I’m working toward mitigating it before it becomes a spiral. It’s been an exercise.

Summer in the area is almost over; the final dregs of long days and warmth are slowly coming to an end. It was an interesting summer in that I spent a lot of time alone and working through some of that loneliness. It still comes in waves and I find myself still feeling like the social aspects of my life fall into “feast or famine” situations and I’m working on dealing with that. Some days would feel so lonely that I’d find myself finding excuses to sit in a crowd to help abate some of this loneliness, while other days are so packed with social events that I feel spread too thin.

I’m coming to terms with living in this new world of extremes. Change seems to be happening at a break-neck pace and sometimes it can be too much. I’m still working on dealing with it all, honestly, and some days are better than others.

One of the biggest changes that has happened is that the person I had been waxing poetic about for so long has decided to come around again. For how long, I’m not entirely sure; “I’ve grown to love [their] disappearing acts, do one more pretty please”.

While it’s lasting I’m trying to make the most of it. There is still a bit of hurt that I’m still reeling from, but what supersedes that feeling is just how right he feels to be around. I really can’t explain it or articulate the notion in a way that I feel fully encapsulates it. All I know is that my heart and my soul feel right when I’m around him, even when things are absolute garbage. Like thinking back to that night in June when he got such horrible news that we spent most of the time just embracing and holding each other’s hands. Or more recently. how excited we both were in sharing some pivotal moments that happened to both of us. I don’t know how or why, but being around him just feels like the most natural thing. Especially now that the initial introduction phase is waning and I get to see more of the real him.

I’m trying to be realistic and keep my expectations low, but another part of me is really enjoying him being more of a presence again even though the whiplash effect is still very real.

I just keep wondering when that moment will come when he will disappear again. I don’t want it to happen but it is something I’m preparing for because there’s precedence there. He’s broken in ways I won’t even try to fix and I’m still going through my own recovery and triaging of wounds sustained from the last few years.

I guess all I can do is enjoy the warm feeling while it’s here and appreciate each moment while they happen.

I’m realizing that I’ve slowly been coming undone over the past few months. The decline was slow at first, with a distraction that was welcomed early on but once the distraction developed into heartache, the decline was more gradual. I held out hope that I’d be okay, that what I was dealing with was situational depression and that I’d be able to overcome it. There were good days, lots of ups, but also a lot of downs.

It isn’t an easy thing to really understand until you feel you’ve hit rock bottom, and when it comes to a few aspects of my life, I genuinely feel like I hit an all time low. I need to remind myself that I jumped into things way too quickly. I am not ready. I am too broken from my divorce to really allow myself to be someone who can fully offer myself up to another person. I was grasping at hope and ideas, while ignoring my own wellbeing and mental state.

I hit some very embarrassing lows over the last few days that I am not proud of; online sleuthing, habit tracking, people investigations, that ultimately lead to some horrible scenarios I played out in my mind that caused the downfall to be even worse. I am not proud of this behavior. In fact, I am quite ashamed of it. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who did this thing as a way to validate their own feelings or create unnecessary drama. What’s worse is that I know this isn’t me. I am not this person.

I know I’m being a bit hard on myself, too. I should cut myself some slack; I haven’t given myself to new people in this way in well over a decade and it’s scary. I’m naive, I’m new, and I’m still not ready. I haven’t developed enough confidence and security in myself which is what bleeds into how I accept another person.

I’m aware of this now. I’m actively in the process of going through therapy but I don’t know if that’s enough. I don’t know if what I need is some assistance in the form of medication or a deep mental dive with a professional who can facilitate some healing. All I know is that I just feel a lot of shame, sadness, disappointment, and embarrassment. I don’t want to be this person. I need to stick with the 6 month mandate I’ve given myself to not date. I need at least 6 months to find me, develop some more sense of self and build up my confidence. I need to keep focusing on making more friendships that are lasting and will help me develop a better sense of community here. Getting stuck in spirals that I shouldn’t even be participating in are not conducive to a healthy mental state.

I know I’ve stated this earlier in previous entries that I am not ready, but I don’t think I gave this thought enough consideration. Instead, I just kept hoping and putting a lot of the blame of another party, but really, I need to take ownership. I need to admit to myself why I am not ready, what the actual issues are, and why I go through so many of these emotions and thoughts when I should feel secure.

I just want to stop feeling like I’m cursed and can actually develop some keener senses, a better awareness of my own emotions, and open myself up to dating in a way that doesn’t send me into a downward spiral. I want to stop ruminating like I’m a teenager. Yes, I am still very inexperienced in dating, and I just got through existing in a marriage that wasn’t fulfilling, but that can’t be me forever. I want to be better.

I need time, I need patience, and I need to do some work.

Life has definitely felt like 10,000 tons as of late. Work has been testing me in ways I hadn’t dealt with in years and I’m still hung up on someone’s dusty son. I had a thought earlier today that maybe it’s time to pack up, move on, run. Make it so I Am Disappeared.

It was a fleeting thought, but one I did entertain for a few moments. I left my life in Texas behind for a fresh start, but I do realize it was also a successful attempt at running away. I fled from a life-long history of heartache, disappointment, and what I personally felt was an environment that didn’t foster my own growth. I came here to rediscover myself, make new connections, new roots, but in a weak state I felt like this new place, this new city, a place that I felt at home even before I moved here and since, was not where I needed to be because I just want to run away from my problems.

The idea of a future where I may see him at a show with his arms wrapped around someone who isn’t me just guts me. The concept of him shirking his interest in me for another woman, or women, comes into mind frequently and drives me crazy.

The worst part of all this is that there is a rational core to me that knows he is not the ideal mate for me. He has a lot of traits very similar to my ex, and some others that give me pause. He’s an extreme introvert, an over-thinker, extremely emotional, and neurotic. He isn’t the best at communication, and doesn’t really think much outside of himself. These are all very similar traits that my ex had that ultimately played into the reason why our relationship shattered. He isn’t engaging, he is low on energy, not very out-going, and seems to get exhausted at even the thought of a swerve in the typical routine.

All of these things I am very cognizant of and then some. At one point I had a revelation that startled me to the point of wanting to scream: “This is a hybrid mix of your ex and your dad”. What the actual fuck?

A slight side tangent about my dad: He is very detached, very absent, and very grumpy about any slight inconvenience. When he met my mom, he was super skinny, drove a hatchback, and had some previous marriage baggage. His temperament was that of aloofness and frustration.

I think my body and my soul have been long done with this situation, but I can’t figure out if it’s my mind or my heart that keeps the longing going. I know this isn’t healthy, this isn’t what I deserve, but a part of me still clings to this. This part of me is tearing me apart. I’m so over the 3a wakeup calls where I spend the entire time just thinking about the situation knowing I can’t change any of it. I re-examine it, I re-evaluate it, I go through cyclical motions, and then start theorycrafting. I am so tired of this.

I need myself to understand the following:

“HE IS NOT GOING TO COME BACK TO YOU. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER”

And while I know all of this, something in my stupid brain keeps going “Oh, but maybe though” and it starts a chain of thought that leads to nowhere. I’ve tried so many different tactics, from the concept of moving on, trying to just stay chill, making cathartic playlists, to chiding myself for continuing this whole ordeal, to no avail. I always come back to the idea of him, and it isn’t even him, which is what drives me crazy. For example, I always forget what he looks like, I have this image in my mind of him, but then I see recent pictures that are definitely of him and I go “Huh, that’s not how I remember him”, even though it is actually him. Somehow my mind has even altered his appearance in a way that makes him even more attractive in my memory. Please don’t get me wrong, he is a very handsome man, but somehow what I have in my mind does not match the actual person.

It’s driving me mad, all of it. The unfortunate similarities to my ex, the conflation of expectation, the image I have in my head, and even worse, some lasting hope that says that at some point we’ll eventually be together because we just need time to heal and we’re both really busy right now.

It’s all wrong, all of it, and I need it to stop. I need for this spiral to end. I need to get some sleep. I need to stop clinging to some fucking stupid semblance of hope that should have been squashed weeks, even months ago.

I don’t know how to move on other than just packing up and moving to a new place. Setting up new roots, starting over, and trying to avoid doing this in the future, but I can’t run. I just can’t. I also can’t keep thinking about this and I just wish I could legitimately manage my emotions in a timely manner that doesn’t cost me days of sleep, break my focus at work, or cause me to space out while at red lights. I just want this burden gone.

It’s officially been a year since I set off from a city in Texas and relocated to the PNW. I need to do some reflection and notate a lot of the experiences I’ve had thus far because it really has been a giant test that I’m still in the middle of doing.

I’ve touched on the month from hell that was April, 2023, and some of the journeys from the start of my cross-country move, and a have developed an understanding of myself in a way I hadn’t really considered – I am very inexperienced in building romantic connects post divorce. My intention is to put all romantic interests aside for the moment so I can focus on building lasting friendships and a better understanding of myself. Again, it’s the intent here and part of the test in progress.

But also, I am trying my best to build a sense of community for myself here because I know I’m going to need to rely on others to help me, mentally, physically, spiritually, and help me grow. I’ve started small and it’s nice to have a few people already who I connect well with and know I can reach out to when I need. I even went camping recently, which was a blast!

My first camping experience in the PNW was amazing. The nature here is indescribable! It was so great waking up in nature, exploring it, basking in it, and generally just getting dirty. I’m looking forward to doing it again. The amount of relaxation and adventure was so healing.

I digress, this last year has been monumental; a series of ups and downs that make me feel like I’ve aged a decade. I’m just going to bullet point these for now as my intent is to give some points their own entry.

• You’ve made some friends!
• You had your first “situationship”!
• You traveled across the country over 3000 miles with two dogs, a cat, and your mother.
• You celebrated a lot of holidays alone.
• But you also had some good visits with friends and family who came to see you.
• You’ve developed an exercise and diet routine.
• Your divorce was made official.
• You said goodbye to a pet.
• You endured hell month.
• Coping with situational depression.
• You go outside a lot more.
• You’re coping with your age.
• Lots of great new music added to the daily rotation and some trips down memory lane.
• You’re going to therapy.
• Your job is very stressful.
• Because your job is so stressful, you’ve developed some financial insecurities.
• You plan on taking some continuing education courses during the winter to help avoid the blues.
• You need to remind yourself that you are the priority too frequently.
• You still have a lot of anger towards your ex. You are working through it.
• You’ve fallen in love with rollerskating again.
• You’ve gone to a lot of live events.
• You survived a full PNW winter.

It’s been an eventful year. One full of anxiety, mistakes and life lessons, but also a lot of growth, personal development, and one step closer to feeling at home.

At some point this space has become more about you than it has been about me. Of course, I talk about the way you make me feel, but the fact that you are so pervasive over the last few months is not lost on me.

After some back-and-forth on the subject, which was a rollercoaster in itself, he was actually well enough to make it out. I should also back up and say that I straight up told him that I have a hard time reaching out to him, unsure of how to communicate and if it’s even welcomed. He said he doesn’t think of me as a burden at all and I’m welcome to reach out when I want to. He also apologized for being so absent. That felt good, and I felt heard.

We had some good banter going after that in text, and during the day of his surgery he and I were pretty well connected. About 30 minutes before I was about to leave to go to the venue he messaged that he’d be going, too, and I talked him into getting ADA access.

Arriving at the venue I didn’t realize how nervous I was; I was actually shaking, and it got worse when I saw him. Despite the troubles and the amount of time it had been since I had last seen him an overwhelming amount of emotions flooded me. The longing, the wanting, the feeling that it just all feels right. It was awkward at first, but I did notice every now and then him glancing my way or the way he noticed me coming back from grabbing a drink at the bar. He even mentioned a few things we talked about from our first date and that surprised me.

But then after the first band played he got some really, really, really bad news. Like, really bad news. Within a matter of moments he just wilted and went silent. He didn’t really say much, just shared his phone for us to see the message.

If I had given myself the proper amount of time to think it over, I probably would have stopped myself from doing what I did. Unfortunately for me, I just reacted. I walked right up to him and asked if I could hug him and he accepted. I embraced him and tried my best to console and comfort him. I asked if he wanted to go and he was just so in shock that he didn’t want to go.

The mainliner then began to play and he invited me to sit next to him, which I did, and then I took hold of his hands. We spent the entire set next to each other, holding each other’s hands and me trying my best to bring up silly things to help ease him a bit. Had this not been brought on by such a sad and devastating situation, it would have actually been a very pleasant thing. But it also just reminded me of why I was so invested in him in the first place; he feels like a good fit – the way we chat, the talks we have, and how he physically feels next to me. He just feels right and supporting him during this time just felt like the most natural thing.

After the show he was able to get back home, sort things out, and ended up on a plane back to SoCal to address the situation. His friend and I spent a good hour chatting as he and I unintentionally walked back to my place. It was a good chat and I was thankful for the distraction.

When I made it back to my place I noticed I had a text from him thanking me for being there for him and that he’s sorry his life is such a disaster at this time.

I then spent the next few days in a haze of sadness and mourning. I feel horrible for him, I truly do. No one person should be dealing with as many things that have befallen on him, and I can’t imagine how long it’ll take for him to recover, if ever.

And the feeling of mourning – I feel like this was a full on breakup, but not in a conventional manner. More that fate dangled what I absolutely feel and want in front of me as a tease. Like some ill-fated cosmic joke that the universe is playing on me. I’m mourning the death of something that has never been because time and circumstance have not allowed it to happen. I feel robbed, I feel frustrated, and I feel cheated out of a possibility I may never know.

Because the truth of the matter is, even if he’s attracted to me and even wants to be with me, he is not okay. He is not in an okay state and that is going to take a long time for him to get there. Which, if time is the only factor and no other variables interfere, I’d be willing to be patient, but right now there are too many disparate things going on, too many variables, too much of life on both of our ends to allow me to think or see the future on this very clearly.

I don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss here because he just feels so right, but this has been nothing but pain, anxiety, worry, insecurity, and frustration ever since he went away. And now he’s gone again and I fear this time he won’t come back at all.

Maybe I fell too fast
Maybe I pushed you away
Now you’re gone and I’m afraid
That you’re never coming back this way again

I’m tired.

I’m tired of thinking about someone who has already moved on.

I’m tired of waking up with anxiety each night at 3:33a and unable to go back to sleep.

I’m tired of looking old.

I’m tired of feeling old.

I’m tired of having to deal with anxiety over and over again.

I’m tired of working on a project that doesn’t fulfill me.

I’m tired of feeling imposter syndrome.

I’m tired of wishing I had made these big changes sooner.

I’m tired of missing aspects of my old life knowing I can never go back.

I’m tired of feeling like I have no control.

I’m tired of the wave of emotions that overwhelm me at strange and odd times.

I’m tired of feeling jealous of people.

I’m tired of the jealousy making me feel inferior.

I’m tired of feeling like a failure.

I’m so very tired of still thinking about someone who has already moved on.

I’m tired of the fact that that last sentence has appeared twice in this list already.

I’m tired of feeling lonely.

I’m tired of the extremes in moods.

I’m tired of relying on numbing agents as a way to mitigate my anxiety and panic.

I’m so fucking tired of thinking about this guy.

I’m so tired of having to make serious decisions that leave me feeling uneasy.

I’m tired of having to tell myself “I am strong”, or “I’ve got this.” I clearly am not, and I clearly don’t.

I’m tired of how much I want to move on from this situation but won’t.

I’m tired of a lot of things.

I just want to feel good about myself again.