Swear-wolves

I really do. I keep batting at the tipping point that sent me into a spiral. Although before I really dive into it, I want to give context, just for myself so when I look back with judgmental, but objective “eyes”, I can do some world building to give a frame of reference.

During this time, I went through a series of other extreme moments; my dog was sick, really sick. My very blind, senile dog was very sick. She was soiling her bedding nightly, and I was worried she was giving up.

On top of that situation, someone at work decided to go full CM Punk on the team and company in a way that implicated not only myself but all my other teammates. This was already on top of an escalation of situations with the general team makeup and decision-making that caused my company’s major players to examine the situation with a microscope. Tensions were high enough already, we did not need someone to go into business for themselves.

The other situation was that my washing machine flooded my apartment in that time frame. Twice.

Twice.

The first time was around midnight on a weeknight. I remember seeing my dog reacting to her in-advert soiling of herself, so I reacted quickly. I scooped her up, put her in the tub, and got her soiled bedding loaded into the machine.

Then all of a sudden I hear the water overflow sensor go haywire. I find the washer area completely flooded with a giant puddle continuing to form and creep toward me.

I call maintenance. I wait up most of the night, with a poor dog cold, tired, and confused in a separate room with another dog and a cat. They never show.

Maintenance shows up and can’t recreate the situation. There is lots of doubt and annoyance on his face.

It runs a full three cycles without incident, so I forget about the situation in a matter of days. I then decide to do a load of sheets so I can replace my bedding. Then it happens. I’m in the bedroom trying to do a relaxing session of yoga when the sensor goes off again. I run into action, sopping up water again with all the non-human towels I have, and on the phone with emergency maintenance.

Luckily it’s a Sunday afternoon so maintenance was ready and able to sop up the water and set up giant drying fans that make a lot of noise and probably cost a lot of electricity to run.

While all this is going on, I’m still trying to put on a reasonably responsible face at work, continue to show my pets they aren’t in trouble and that I love them, and try to exist with a giant turbine constantly whirring within the small confines of my apartment. My poor animals.

And to top it off, I have this anxiety and flurry of insecurity come out of nowhere, and it’s about him. It just hits me one day without much trigger. It is was the only thing I was able to really focus on despite all the other problematic situations. I think that’s why I say it was the tipping point.

I remember specifically during one of my moments of obsessive thought stopping myself and saying two things:
“Stop. This is nuts.”

“If you are spiraling this hard this early on, are you really ready for anything further?”

I heard both and I gave both equal, short-term thought.
“Yes, it is nuts. I know I need to stop, and I will.”

“But what the hell, why am I freaking out this much? I’m not ready. I’m not ready for any of this.”

And I tried to stop thinking about him, but then I remembered all the reasons why I was attracted to him. Why I broke every single rule I put in place for myself.

He checks a lot of “boxes”.

But he isn’t ready. I’m not ready.

I don’t know how else to convey the notion of how much it sucks to meet someone who you connect with in so many ways and on so many levels, but can’t actually be with because of circumstance. It’s a very familiar notion to some of us, but foreign to others, I know.

The reason why this isn’t moving forward isn’t even about me! It’s more about timing, and that’s actually what’s legitimately irritating me. I have no control over time and I don’t have ample amounts of it to loan out. It’s like some cruel trick the universe decided to play on me.

“Here! Check this out, it’s an opportunity! LMAO JK!”

I’ll process this, I know I will, and I’ll let time help me move on, but right now…

Right now, I’m still in mourning.

Maybe later on as I re-read this, I’ll understand the state I was in and why I was so hung up on someone I don’t really even know. But it was just too much, another variable of chaos in my life that I had no control over and couldn’t move past without some kind of feedback.

I drove myself nuts, to the point of obsessive thinking. I would wake up in the middle of the night and latch on to a thought about the situation and snap myself into a tizzy of obsessing. I wouldn’t get back to sleep at all after that.

I just want future me to have learned from this while also understanding where the sentiment and reasoning came from. I don’t give myself equal judgment at times and I think I should try to do so more frequently.

Looking through my notes and random musings, I’m realizing that I haven’t actually been in the best of states. What I thought was just a short term downward trend is actually more indicative of how things have been going for the last several years. It’s only just become apparent to me as I try to navigate things in such a solo capacity that all things feel super compounded and overwhelming. 

This isn’t because of the divorce or the move. What I’m realizing is there is one common denominator here. One constant in all things that have been difficult – me. 

In some ways I’m saying I’m at fault here and in others I’m just saying that I have more input and control than I usually assume. 

I’m unintentionally throwing myself a curve ball here. Initially, this went into a completely separate tangent that even I am still baffled by and, oddly enough, proud of manifesting. But I didn’t edit myself to just go down the same path; I edited myself to really examine a big truth here: I am a common denominator. 

I mean, yeah, all things that happen to me involve me, that’s a given, but here’s the thing: I am ultimately in charge. I am the one who determines the outcome of my actions, whether it’s a knee-jerk response or a fully thought out plan. 

When it comes to how I handle a knee-jerk reaction versus a notion that I spent abundant amount of time on, I’m at a split. Sometimes I can trust my intuition and other times, I can’t decipher if it’s a gut reaction or anxiety. And sometimes, my anxiety lies to me. 

Most recently my anxiety and intuition went through an exhausting jousting match, and neither ended up being the victor because the outcome was a major swerve. I don’t know how, but at one point a flip switched and I went from confident with the situation to a series of emotions ranging from  longing, jealousy, worry, sadness, denial, and panic. A flood of emotions. And yes, it was about a man. Side tangent that’s worth noting: That was probably about the same time he started experiencing a flood of  emotions, or at least a point where he started noticing it. I don’t know how to explain it, but it was like a weird, intuitive connection with someone. I’m trying not to put too much stock into it, but that hasn’t really ever happened before.

(Other moments like that have also happened, but I’m not going to try and give those coincidences much more thought. I don’t need to spiral on this, I need to move on. This-fucking-guy I’ve only known for less than two months has me in such a fucking state, I can’t-fucking-believe it. I need to get over him. I really do.) Sorry About That. 

But other times, my intuition and anxiety lined up, but I still second guessed things. 

As someone who feels emotions on a higher level than a lot of other people, it’s hard to really convey what it’s like to exist this way. When emotions hit, they hit all at once and I feel every single one of them. Sometimes just thinking about the subject resurfaces that gut punch and debilitation that happened initially, and sometimes, it hits even harder. 

It’s exhausting being someone with this much emotion, feeling, empathy, and an obsessive nature in overthinking. How can you express what that’s like to someone more even-keeled or stoic? You can try to use analogies that play into their stronger senses, but at the end of the day, if the smell of chopped onions offends someone so much they have the option to leave the room, is that person really going to be able to understand how we can’t walk away from our mind as easily? 

And here I am again, completely derailing from the actual subject. I am the common denominator who often is way too driven by emotion, which ultimately causes me to repeat the same mistakes and run myself ragged to the point of passing out from exhaustion.

I’ve identified some of the problem, but what’s next?

Here’s another. The ballet. Boundless. 

I didn’t know what to expect with this one. It’s an unknown ensemble created for a time that needed emotion. Positive emotion. 

The first act was interesting. A series of shadow play and movement. An illustration of beauty in a (very) vague (to me at least) way. 

The second is where things resonated. Two spirits coming together and doing a dance. He is forever supporting her. She is a vibrant entity. He is shrouded in black. They share personal moments and the courtship begins. A partnership emerges. 

At one point she walks away and he follows. They embrace. 

And then it resumes. 

The entire time he supports her. She is center stage; fully displayed and draped in various colors. On display, doing her dance, the whole time he acts as a support system, sometimes outshining her, but never loses focus. But the beautiful thing? She supports him, too. 

They dance and it is beautiful. In a foreign synchronized dance they work together. On the outside it looks like she is the main piece, the shining star. But in reality, he helps support her and what they produce together is a thing of beauty. 

Once the “show” is done they embrace. Ending the moment with a pose together that signifies that it wasn’t about one person, but a partnership. 

A true thing of beauty. 

I teared up. This is what I want. I don’t need to be center stage, I just want a partner. 

There was a third act, but I have to be honest. It was mired in what felt like religious undertones, and I was actually quite intoxicated by this point so I didn’t pay much attention. So much so that I completely forgot I wrote this. 

I have no idea if this was the intent of the piece, but this is how I interpreted it. It’s beautiful, emotional, and uplifting. 

And it’s a bittersweet reminder that it’s what I ultimately want but…

After some back-and-forth yesterday, some good banter, and a bit more insight, I went to bed feeling a bit better about things. Then this morning I get a fully transparent text message giving me more insight into his mental state.

It’s not good. He’s not ready. I’m not ready. We’re both in agreement.

As disappointing as this news is, I am okay with it. It’s the kind of closure I needed to realize a few things about myself; I’m not ready, at least not in this capacity, and not at this time. I have definitely realized that that attachment style I have is more rooted in anxiety than in secure foundation. I need to work on this and I need to do some more self exploration before I can really offer myself up as a partner to someone else.

I appreciate the honesty and I appreciate the fact that he felt comfortable enough to be open, honest, and didn’t go the ghosting route. I hate when people ghost.

It’s still raw, still hurts, but at least I can move on, focus on the immediate, and start planning for my own long term goals.

I’m just not ready. He’s not ready. We need to stop acting like we are.

It fucking sucks to have so much potential, so many connections, and be stop-gapped by timing and timing alone. But I have to appreciate it, understand it, and move on.

I. Have. To. Move. On.

Over a month ago I started an entry I never completed. I’m going to post it here because I feel like it’s an interesting juxtaposition to where I’m at now.

I’m just so crazy, stupid happy!

I met a guy. A good, fun, interesting, cool ass guy. One that makes me laugh and makes me think. One that has introduced me to some cool things in this short time since our meeting. 

This feels like I’m just picking up around adolescence; like instead of spending over a decade in a marriage I somehow just broke up with someone, mourned that breakup period in a year, and then just met some new kid and hit it off. 

I find myself goofy smiling when I think of him. A goofy smile. I haven’t had one of those in so long and I didn’t think it was possible. 

But he does that to me. 

And now, here I am wondering if things were just a bunch of smoke, a notion that had promise and potential, or just a passing fad.

It’s so stupid. I find myself spiraling recently over this. I don’t know what happened, other than he left on a trip for a few weeks, we maintained contact, and upon his return I haven’t heard from him. It’s been almost a week.

My rational mind is thinking that things are just super hectic; coming back from time away always has its chaotic elements and immediate needs. Another portion of my mind is like, “Why don’t you just message him?”, and instead of answering that question I keep creating more elaborate scenarios in my head about what is causing the radio silence. The most obvious is that he’s busy, or he’s lost interest.

The latter is what scares me. Our last interaction in messages was so fun and full of promises; we made a commitment to find time to hang out once he’s back and settled. That seems like a reasonable action and thing to do, but the silence is deafening.

We have only been on a few outings together, but each time I feel like our connection was strengthened and that the things that brought us together are great jump off points for continuing on and building on something.

And yet, I still have so many questions, so many concerns, and a lot of anxiety.

A LOT OF ANXIETY.

I’m going to try and reach out today to check in. I’m just going nuts on this side of things and I don’t want to sit and wait on arbitrary timers when all I really want is either a confirmation of interest or a confirmation that it has been lost.

I’m just so full of ambivalence that I’m going nuts. I don’t know what to do next and in the weirdest of ways, even though I want answers I am worried about the answers I’m going to get.

It’s a spiral. I’m on the cusp of an anxiety attack.

If this is sending me into a tailspin, when I felt like a week ago the interest was still there and the connections were still alive, am I really ready for anything more complex?

Or is it the vagueness that’s killing me?

Selfishly, I’m not over him. I want some interactions and I want more cuteness. I know it’s super selfish, but I’m ready for that and I was really hoping we could continue the conversation when he came back.

I gotta feel you in my bones again
I’m all over you
I’m not over you
I wanna taste you one more time again
I’m all over you
I’m not over you

The Spill Canvas – All Over You

Maybe we can and I’m overthinking things. I don’t know. I’m just tired of these emotions overwhelming me, paralyzing me, distracting me.

I’m just so tired and heartbroken.

Will that feeling ever ebb?

Update
2 hours later and I have an update. Reached out, had a chat about things, and confirmed two future outings together. One in about two weeks and another way well into the future.

I’d say that’s a neutral sign. Better than a negative sign, but it’s also a cue to me to take a step back, stop getting hung up on this, and try to move on. If things manifest like I think they could potentially do, I’d prefer it be a slow build up.

But again, I need to tell myself to take a step back and move on. I can’t get blood from a stone, I can’t make someone have feelings for me, and I can’t control what someone else does. All I can do is focus on me, my reaction to things, and to learn from these experiences.

Other things to note, just as objective observations:

• Might not be into texting much. That’s okay and explains some things.
• Shows extreme introvert signs. Needs the same amount of recovery time to the amount of “being on” time.
• Exhaustion in general seems to be a factor. It’s hard as an introvert to try and get to know someone in a positive way when they are tired. I get it.
  

I don’t know how the fuck people do this with multiple people and in shorter time frames.

Men my age are gross.

They’re either giant man children, completely clueless, filled with too much masculinity, completely rigid, full of bad habits, or a mix of all listed. 

I just don’t know how to fucking do this. Be single. Like, alone. I’m on my own again and it fucking rules. I love that I can make snow angels in bed or that when I buy a snack I know it’ll be there waiting for me. I like that I don’t have to ask for permission to do something. I like that any decision I make typically only impacts me. 

But all of these things have come at a cost. I have no clue how to invite people out, for coffee, on a date, an invite to a movie or anything really. It’s so weird, if I think about how my preteen self tried so hard to think of all possible variables for my adult life, I would have never thought I’d marry an agoraphobic. I got so used to hearing “no” or “I’ll sit this one out” so many times I stopped asking. I started ignoring the FOMO and just did it. 

It was scary at first. Being the only person in a crowd on their own, or so it seemed. At first I was horrified at being alone at a show. A million thoughts would flood me to a point of paralysis. 

“Everyone is looking at you”

“What a fucking loser. You couldn’t find anyone to come with you?”

“What a weirdo”

“Alone. Wow”

It took me several shows, and several events to start gaining enough confidence to walk into a venue with the only expectation of a good time and minimal concern at how other people perceived me. I gained so much confidence that I started doing a lot of things on my own; movies, shopping, new restaurants. It was a good feeling but I also had this other aspect of me that wished I could share some of these things with my partner. 

At the end of the day I was with someone who wasn’t compatible with me, but I also didn’t realize just how incompatible we were until life’s major tests began. 

In the summer of 2015 I was laid off from my job. I didn’t have any real savings and I was still junior enough in my profession that I didn’t stand out nearly enough for employers locally to give my resume much of a look. I still had student debt to deal with, on top of debt I’d accumulated after several promotions afforded me some grand luxuries. 

I found that even though I was married I was still saddled with so much burden to keep our little family afloat that I took a menial job just to generate income, and decided to go back to school and finish my degree. It was rough; I was working a job I didn’t like, juggling a full course load, still trying to stay relevant in my industry, and maintain a household. 

I won’t say he didn’t contribute in any way, but I will say that he was not nearly as burdened during this time and was not driven at all to try and advance his own professional standing. A raise on his part would have been a blessing but he just wasn’t driven enough to think it was necessary or needed. I was managing just fine! 

I think that was the first sign of the end, but given the amount I was juggling adding a separation wasn’t an option. I wanted to get out of the situation I was in and reevaluate things once I wasn’t head under water. 

The next few years would continue to be a stressful and exhausting ordeal. Working at a startup for 1/4 of my professional worth, finishing a full course load, managing a household, and trying to make friends in a city I no longer loved was very difficult, but I managed. All while he was comfortably set up at his desk, playing whatever game was hot for him at the time, chain smoking ditch weed and consuming what little food we had. 

I guess ultimately for the past decade I basically was single and living with an agoraphobic and socially distant roommate. He just happened to be my spouse, but he definitely wasn’t a partner. 

So now here I am, years later and officially on my own. It isn’t the alone part that’s hard for me, it’s the part where I should naturally be able to socialize or do things with friends in a way that doesn’t cause me anxiety or annoyances. I’m trying and I’m practicing; the people who I’ve been surrounding myself with have been really understanding about this and have done their best to help encourage me to move through it. But it is a process and I know I have a lot of work left to do still until I feel like I’m able to clear this hurdle. 

I just know dating is something that horrifies me and I probably won’t jump back into it after this most recent foray, but I do wish I had a partner again. I miss that. He wasn’t always absent, but at some point he closed himself off and the shift from a marriage to co-living started to happen. I don’t know the why, and I don’t think I even have to, but at some point we just broke and there was no fixing it.

And when I think of dating again I think about all the tedium, all the work, all of the vulnerability it creates and I’m just not keen on any of it. Especially with my current dating pool options. It sounds cruel, and I know I have work to do to continue to better myself, but lately the only people I seem to meet are the ones who are looking for instant gratification, a lot of “What can you do for me?” ways of thinking while I’d prefer to come at it from a “what can we do together?” angle.

This new world I’m living in is full of positives – I’m afforded an opportunity to live in a new city, go on adventures, and begin to find myself again. It’s all very exciting, but at the end of the day sometimes I just wish I could give someone a hug and tell them about my day, listen to how theirs went, and then just enjoy each other’s company. 

I think I’m asking for far too much.