Over two years ago I embarked on a life-changing trip to the Nordic country of Sweden. I wrote this entire blurb while sitting in a very busy pub in Stockholm. I can actually still feel the energy and the buzz from the people around me; it was a Friday night in January of 2020 and the city was just starting their weekends with a little “after-work”.

Most of the buzz and murmur around me was in Swedish, but every now and then I’d hear a full conversation in English. I remember specifically one woman talking to two men about what was probably her ex and his new love interest. She was very American while her companions had an obvious Swedish dialect.

“She’s pretty in the face, is what I’m saying. But…”

I sat in the window unintentionally eavesdropping. When you’re in a foreign country and you hear your native language spoken it resonates louder. I don’t know why at that moment I chose to start writing what I did, but that was a jump-off point for me. There was no turning back no matter what happened after this trip. I had done something I personally felt was phenomenal and felt extremely proud of myself because in the span of less than 90 hours I had achieved so much.

I still get chills just thinking about that moment. Sitting in a warm room with a delicious European beer in the midst of winter in a foreign city surrounded by hyped up and chattery residents just resonated with me. It hit a perfect note – one that I’m never going to feel again, more than likely.

I just need to get back this person again. I’m close, but not there yet.

Forever a WIP

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Timestamp: 1/17/2020, 20:40 CEST

Notes about Sweden

• They call happy hours “after work”
• An elevator is a “lift” in English, a “hiss” in Swedish
• They prefer 24 hour time
• Vasagatan is the center of my universe on this trip
• The SL pass works on most transit methods
• Lots of women here look like Cindy*
• Invest in a beanie
• The sun rises around 8a and sets around 3:30p, or 15:30
• Pokémon Go stops are every where
• People are generally nice, but at least make an attempt to learn Swedish
• Every consumable is expensive. Beer, wine, food, candy, painkillers, etc. it’s all really fucking expensive. 
• Smoking is as hated here as it is in the US but I have not seen many vapes
• Their exit signs make me laugh. They look like guides from Portal 
• Most people speak English but have conversations in Swedish to the point where I instantly ignore it. The moment I hear English I’m instantly aware of it
• Seriously, make an attempt to learn Swedish
• There really is no need for a car here; it’s more of a luxury.
• The Arlanda Express train ride was one of the most picturesque rides I have ever taken. A mix of pastoral, modern architecture, farm homes, and European style buildings dotted the scenery
• The retail shops all close around 19:00 hours, sometimes earlier. 
• Vasagatan is almost empty after 20:00
• The emergency sirens are hilariously European here 
• The work/play balance is incredible. People still work 40 hours a week but it’s more about making the most of their time and being agile over the idea that work is the center of everyone’s universe. 
• I kinda feel like the beer here is stronger**
• A man stopped me in the street today and spoke Spanish to me. He spoke several languages and was lost. I wish I could have helped him but I was so green when it comes to this area. He was very nice and instantly called out the fact that I have “Latin” ancestry, which took me by surprise. 
• *The diversity here is much more than I expected. I’ve seen statuesque goddesses with black hair and fair skin, shorter women with round cheeks and kind eyes, bearded men who look like Vikings, people with almond-shaped eyes that hint at Icelandic or Asian ancestors, long and skinny men with delicate and equally long fingers, and souls who have seen many years that have steeled them to the Nordic winter. Lots of children – some of the most well-behaved and some of the most troubling I have seen. It occurs to me that children, no matter the culture, are still behaviorally the same. This is a generalization and is not a dismiss of the outlying factors that can shape the behaviors that are a-typical of the young. 
• **Or maybe it’s because I really haven’t slept or eaten much in the last 3 days (~75 hours)

In summary, if things still don’t work out, this trip has taught me a lot about the world, how diverse it is, and how fucking strong I am. The moment I landed I was overwhelmed and on the verge of a panic attack/crying jag. It was a pivotal moment. I found myself in a lavatory stall on the verge of tears, a voice in my head whispering to me “[I] can’t do this on my own. I’m in over my head.”  Another part was fucking screaming at me. Saying, “Bitch, ovary the fuck up. You do not have time to break down now, you’ve got shit to do! If you need to, put that other voice in a box with those tears and cry it out in the fucking shower tonight. Do not waste this opportunity!” 

I really didn’t expect this to turn into a journal entry. It was more intended to while away the time in a pub alone without having to feel isolated or completely idle. This trip has been one of the most pivotal moments in my life and has been further proof that I need to stop doubting myself. Other people have called me strong, have said that I am much more than I give myself credit for, and while I know in the future I’m going to continue to undersell myself, undervalue myself, at least in this moment I can feel like I accomplished something many other people would not be capable of completing. 

I’m not a weak person. I am no longer that child hiding in a closet, scared of the inevitable beating, with the striking of hands and words to come. I’ve moved on. I’ve grown. I’ve gone through my metamorphosis; the shy girl who couldn’t even ask for a hall pass to the bathroom, sitting in agony, on the verge of bursting, in class while no one else could comprehend my dilemma, or even care, has now come to full fruition. I am no longer shying away in a corner, hoping, praying, to be ignored, I’ve grown. I’ve become something I have never expected. An adult, a mentor, a woman on the verge of prosperity. Someone who greets people and looks them in the eye. Someone who laughs a full hearted and genuine laugh without care of how someone else will interpret it. A person who can easily make conversation with strangers and knows how to open a conversation by asking someone something personal, something that makes them genuinely feel like I want to know more, because I do. 

I’ll be honest, sometimes I even surprise myself with how far I’ve come from that scared and insecure girl. Sometimes I do and say things even before I process them and realize, “Holy shit, you actually did that!”. I am someone who matters. I am someone who is making a difference and it’s ok to realize this. It’s ok to be proud of who I am. Fucking get it, girl! 

Whatever happens Monday, it’s a pivotal moment. I am so much more than I give myself credit for and I need to remember this. No amount of heartache or disappointment should ever stop me from moving forward. The timing might not be right, the situation might not be right, but the one thing I need to tell myself, and will need to remember, is that I persisted and persevered. I will move on. I can…

I can because I fucking did!  

Ok but like, I just heard someone say at 20:35, “Okay! Bedtime!”.  Again, the English chatter is so much more apparent than when in America.

I also just heard the group of lads next to to me say a whole bunch of Swedish and then “A shot of Tequila?”, “A shot of Tequila!”, repeated twice.

Something’s truly are universal.

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*My friend has some of the best European traits that make her physicality so interesting. With fair skin, curly blond hair, a petite stature, and an ample frame she was often mistaken for a local during her short stint in Germany.

**Alcohol in Sweden is highly regulated and heavily taxed, but like most alcohols in Europe, the ABVs are typically higher.